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scottmintred.com

Cars and Bees and My Irritation
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 by scott

 
Bees. I hate them.

I don't know what it is about those feisty felines, but they terrify me. They are the real terrorists. Our government should spend all its money looking for Osama Bee'Ladin and Aybee al'Beebeebee. They irritate me so much. It's not like I'm allergic to them either. I just hate them.

Albert Einstein once said something like, "If all the bees were to die, then surely all life on earth would fuck off and die as well!"

I paraphrase, but you get the idea. Well he and his bees can go kiss someone else's ass. Good. I hope all the bees die and that we die also. That'll teach them a lesson.


Learn English, asshole.


And so it was that I was driving to work this morning (as is the custom where I'm from), just leaving my apartment complex and getting on the highway. It's such a beautiful day that I had my windows about half open. Apparently, completely open to those assholes of the air, bees.

As I was rounding the entrance ramp, I heard something fall against my window, and saw it land in my car. It sounded heavy. I looked, and there was a bee flying above the passenger seat, trying to look nonchalant. I said, "Ahhuhh!", and opened all of my windows. I had to watch the road to some extent, and when I looked back, the bee was gone.

I didn't say "Phew!" just yet though, because the thing that hit my window sounded much heavier than a simple, stupid, cocksucking bee. No, it sounded like a small bees' nest. I figured right away that it must have been a bees' nest, because what the fuck else would fall out of the sky with an asshat bee in it? The problem: my laptop-bag was sitting on the passenger seat such that the nest would have landed behind it, out of my view.

"So what the fuck do I do now?" I thought. I figured that if I stopped, a hundred angry bees would pop out from behind my bag. Instead, I drove as fast as possible and got on the LIE. Then a rock hit my windshield and put a small hole in it. Fucking bees ruined my windshield! It is also true that they have no insurance whatsoever, because they are bees, and could not possibly purchase insurance.

If they did sell insurance to bees, say in exchange for honey and a dance, I would say, "Fuck you, GEICO, you guys are a bunch of assholes for watching bees dance and I will not pay you anymore. I will send you a jar of honey with my remittance slip, and I will put up my own dance on YouTube and send you the link. Assholes."

So I drove for 20 minutes with a fucking bees' nest sitting next to me. I could have used the HOV lane, there were so many bees. And if a policeman pulled me over, he would instantly be attacked by swarms of bees, for which I could not be held responsible. Although more than likely the bees would have simply left, and I would have been stuck with all sorts of tickets. I probably would have been shot, because as soon as my car stopped, I would have leapt from it, waving my arms, shouting "AAAGHGHGHGHHH!! THE BEES!!"

I got to work and parked my car in a cautious fashion. This was the part that I was really not looking forward to. It's one thing to drive around with a car full of bees, but quite another to move one's laptop-bag off of the bees, thereby disturbing their precious nest.

I got halfway out of the car, summoned my full anti-bee courage, and with a mighty "HEEYA!" I pulled my bag out of the car.

Hmmm. No bees. WTF?

I then marched around the car, flung open the passenger door, and stood back, awaiting the swarm of bees that was sure to come.

No bees. This was getting to be stupid.

OK, so it turns out that there was only one damn asshole bee in my car in the beginning, and it must've flown out right away. No fucking bees in the car. Hmph. A giant wasted drive of terror for absolutely no reason.

Now I'm sitting in my asshole office feeling like there are bees crawling all over me.

Damn bees. I hate them.
     
Rating
-52
(24 to 76)
  Bees
  Remember the video from Blind Mellon about that stupid girl dancing around in a Bee costume. She sucks and so do carpenter bees that go Buzzzzzzzzzz around your fat head.
  Wednesday, May 09, 2007 by Drew Wood
  You stupid bee-sympathizer
  Who the fuck rated this post with the BAD button? You are a jerk, and a stupid bee-sympathizer. You probably take a bees' nest to bed with you every night and make swift, painful love to it.

I will find you. When you are in the bathroom and least expect it, I will peer over the side of the urinal and see the stings around your nethers, and I will instantly know. Then you are in for a world of hurt.

I will put bee-poison all over your home such that your precious bees die, and when you try to dab your tears away with their nests, I will release a bear that will eat your honey-covered ass.
  Wednesday, May 09, 2007 by scott
  Honey
  People eat honey but isn't that like, bee-puke?
  Wednesday, May 09, 2007 by Jordan
  Comments on your lack of a story
  This story was about as entertaining as cement. Here I am, expecting a climax, expecting you to be hospitalised due to bee attack or some such happening... and all that happened, was you realising there were not any bees in your car. So effectively nothing happened.

Thanks a lot for the anti climax. Appreciate it.
  Thursday, January 29, 2009 by Hayley
  Sorry I only just realised ...
  Up until this point I have thought you were self important, boring, (justifiably ) jealous of D.T and plain old bitter. Now however I realise you are actually retarded, so I apologise for assuming these misconceptions about you. I believe this because I'm sure you mean it when you say "I would only write factual stories about bees." Hence to change my mind about your retardation, please post a link to a picture of these magical feline bees of which you speak.
  Friday, January 30, 2009 by Georgie
  bees and stuff
  wow,
what an awe inspiring story that was about the perils of bees and such. Whatever next, a lord of the ringsesque story about how a fly landed on your food?! Holy sh1t, you just wasted five minutes of my life.
  Tuesday, March 10, 2009 by Nick
  Learning english?
  Bee man say's you learn it first...
  Monday, May 04, 2009 by Bee's Man
  Rat tail sandwich
  @Bee's Man: I advise that you practice what you preach.

English should "bee" capitalized.

"Say's" should be "says".
  Monday, May 11, 2009 by scott
  waste of my time
  yea, possibly one of the worst stories I ever read, and I've read several of your articles.
This the the story, if you haven't read it.

"One day, I was a huge idiot. Thank you."

just what the world needs, an unnecessarily negative post about a useless topic. Watch for the Pulitzer people to be banging your door down with their massive hard-on for your bee tale. Seriously, let me know when that goes down.
  Wednesday, August 05, 2009 by david is funny
  Your identity is entirely based upon your love of a man you've never met. Great.
  @"david is funny": I notice that you posted your first comment at 04:44:56 AM (US EST), and your last comment at 06:00:34 AM. For someone that hates my site, you sure spend a lot of time reading it.
  Monday, August 24, 2009 by scott
  felines
  Felines are cats. Bees are insects. Note: the use of swearing does not automatically equal humour.

And yes, humour is the correct spelling.
  Thursday, January 28, 2010 by unamused
  Ground Bees
  One time playing paintball in high school (and wheasing because of smoking too much) I stepped into a nest of ground bees. These little guys are pretty tame if you don't mess with them but when you step into their hive you tend to get pretty screwed (by half the nest of multi-sting pricks that leave huge welts if you're not allergic).

So I found out the hard way I'm not allergic (even though my tongue did swell up and I had a very hard spot in my stomach area for the next couple days).

Anyway, I got over my partly rational fear of ground bees and then went back to this same area only to step on another nest.

Point is... carry an epi-pen and stop being a pansy.
  Sunday, February 14, 2010 by Drunk
  Learn Spanish...
  ...why don't you learn Spanish eh? Pajero...
  Saturday, July 03, 2010 by Pedro
  you bother me
  tl;dr and I really hope this site is a joke, how can someone be this boring and go on and on about bees?!
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Freya
  Um, okay..
  What are feline bees? I don't see how any chitin appendages could produce a flying mammal...I just don't see it happening, take some pictures and prove me wrong.

Thanks, Charles.

P.S. I didn't read the whole story, mostly because of how boring and dry it was, so if pictures were included towards the end, or middle, or just after the first sentence, I do appologize for this comment.
Thanks again, Charles
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Charles
  you suck
  this site is complete shit.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by visitor
  bees are awesome and you are not
  Dear Dicklock,
Like everyone has said already, this story is boring and useless.

Just a little factoid, only female bees can sting. Male bees are just losers who hang around the hive and are then exiled in the winter to die cold and alone.

Also, bees pollinate at least 30% of the world crops. If you've ever eaten an apple, you can thank a bee.

Have a nice, eventful day.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by This bothers me
  Gawd.
  I have just wasted 5 minutes of my life googling for whoever this guy quoted on DT's site was. Your writing is boring to a stutter. I believe I'm literate enough to tell what's a bad read. And no, using justification all over the site doesn't make your site "easy to read". Have fun consoling yourself (which I see you do pretty often). Oh yes, and reading IP address logs. I'll bet my balls you won't see my IP address on those logs ever again. Which I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun scouring. Enjoy!
  Monday, February 07, 2011 by Waste of time



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