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Video-of-Text, or Why I Love Myself and Hate My Imaginary Girlfriend
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 by scott

Hello again, all of you wonderful and smart and luxurious people of the Information Super Highway!

I return now after a long absence in order to bring to your attention this latest peril of web-browsing from the dastardly a href mailto jay david (sic).

It must be something about the name "David" that makes people invent elaborate lies for the purposes of tricking people in order to gain traffic to their web-site! One of my very best friends is named David, and he does not constantly lie to people to stoke his own ego. In fact, he is very honest (though sarcastic).

Hence my thesis is that people living in English-speaking countries aside from the US with the word "David" in their name are up to no good. This is very probable.

For you see, "jay david", or "JD's Man Stories", is from Toronto, which I have been led to believe is in Canada.

So, what has he done? He claims, in a video-of-text (which ruins the entire purpose of a web page [Update: Solved by a transcription]), that his girlfriend forgot that he was going to Europe for two weeks, and so ended their relationship in the manner of a bitch. Spoiler Alert: At the last moment before Mr. David's return, she realized that she was in error and attempted to mend the proverbial fences that she'd had sex with in his absence.

This is a fantastic premise for a work of fiction! However, he presents it as fact! The "video" can be watched here, and it does have a swell soundtrack:

While I Was Away
or 'The Europe Test', 'The Perils of Travel', or whatnot.
While I Was Away, or 'The Europe Test' - Purse you are sporting. Pink is the same color as the inside of my female vagina.  It is unfortunate that in your own video you do not know what the inside of a vagina looks like.  Titties and verdana.

When you have finished watching it, you can also then see him kiss everyone's ass that watched the video for his amusement, twice.

By now you must surely be asking yourself, "That Em is a huge bitch?", which is entirely stupid.

Firstly, any man (or man-child as he may have been two years ago) that goes to Europe for two weeks with his buddies and does not pro-actively attempt communication with his girlfriend is looking for a dump as solid as any taken in France after a week of cheese. No one in Europe even has a home internet connection! Every apartment building and farmhouse has an in-built internet cafe. They also have "phone cards", with which one can call America for only a few cents per minute.

So this man that is allegedly so poor at governing relationships should not complain to the entire internet in a video-of-text that he got dumped!

Secondly, although some women are stupid, I don't think any of them are so stupid as to not understand something like a vacation. This is what would have actually happened:

Two months before the proposed trip.

Jay David: My beloved, I announce to you that I consider a sojourn of two weeks. In Europe!

Em: Hooray!

Jay David: But not with you.

Em: Please further explain this to me.

Jay David: I will go on this journey with my best friends, whom are also raging alcoholics and womanizers. You will remain here, guarding your virginity for my return.

Em: That is unacceptable, and I protest.

Jay David: So?

One month before the proposed trip.

Em: (Removes the phallus of Jay David from her mouth) Please don't go on this trip to Europe! It's ever so frightful over there!

Jay David: OK.

Ninety-seven seconds later.

Jay David: I've already booked passage on the Expedia.

Em: You bastard!

Jay David: What's your problem?

Em: I am on the menses!

One week before the proposed trip.

Jay David: I am terribly enthused about this trip! My friends and I will drink so much beer and then do such a good job of not calling our girlfriends that it will be awesome!

Em: Oh, please call me, or at least send me an electronic letter whilst you are there! I will be ever so forlorn, and will just die without knowing that you are safe and not impaling the prostitutes of Amsterdam with your -ahem- stupendous (rolls eyes) penis.

Jay David: Don't worry my flower, I care for none but you (rolls eyes).

Two days before the proposed trip.

Em: I have marvelous news, Jay David! I have contacted the Expedia as well, and have booked my own seat on the whirligig, just eight rows behind you and your drunken, misogynistic friends!

Jay David: That's a bit psycho, my dear.

Em: No, not at all! It is the surest way in which we can be together.

Jay David: I break up with you.

Em: No!

Jay David: Yes! Though this is terrible, because now I will not have a flimsy pretext under which to make a video-of-text for all of the internet to see in two years.

Em: What's an internet, my dear?

Jay David: (To audience) Never date someone with the dreaded Downs Syndrome, unless you have it as well!


Finally, as an obvious expert in writing things in the guise of others for the purpose of displaying it on the internet, I declare that all of the emails (excepting perhaps the first two or three) sent by "Em" were in fact keyboarded by the hand of this very "jay david".

My thesis goes on to suppose that this "Em" actually did forget the date on which "jay david" was leaving, and so sent him a couple of emails inviting him to dinner and brunch (or whatever the hell the "video" said). That misunderstanding was then surely cleared up, but thus spawned the inspiration that "jay david" sought to compose his grand ruse!

I also point out that all of the pictures shown in the video-of-text have the faces of the men pixelated. Presumably this would be to protect the identity of "jay david". You may then be surprised when I tell you that the pictures are not of Mr. David. They are scoured from Google Images!

Please, dear readers, do let me know what you think of this scoundrel!

(52 to 134)
  Regardless of any truthfulness (or lack thereof) in the video, my favourite part of your entire rant was the imagined dialogue. I literally laughed out loud - or rather, LLOL.

  Wednesday, August 12, 2009 by Shay
  Pictures of penii
  Hi Shay,

I am glad that you LLOLed, and hopefully you rolled over and crushed a cat as well. That would be the internetty thing to do.

I see that you are a blogger specializing in the showing of men's penises. (Penii?) That is a dying art these days. IIRC some of the greatest bloggers out there got their start by covering penii with various Photoshop layers and then revealing them with a link.

Hell, Gizmodo used to be known as Jizmodo and would hide pools of semen under things like PDAs and Portable CD Players. (This was in the early days of the 'net. Now they're all about the iPhones and MacBooks and such).

failblog went the vagina route, and originally only displayed the privates of women covered by various knitting supplies and cookbooks. Sadly, they have gone commercial these days as well.

So I guess what I mean to say is that I hope you stay strong, fight the power, and all that fine filler.

As a friend of JD Man's I would have expected you to more forcefully back the contention that the video-of-text was factual. Though I do respect your tactful avoidance of the issue altogether!
  Wednesday, August 12, 2009 by Scott Mintred
  As in "nuttier than a". I'm glad you've been led to believe that Toronto is in Canada. That may be the only fact you know about the country to the north of you (other than our year-round igloos and polar bear wrestling).

Your worldview must be very small if you can't believe that a guy could go on vacation alone for a few weeks and that his girlfriend would go ballistic, having never listened to him (check out lamebook, stfu marrieds, etc). I'm not saying that this story is true or not, but it's plausible (and hysterical), and once again, why do you care? Is it because you put something on YouTube and no-one watched? Or is it because you're a frustrated comedian?
  Friday, August 21, 2009 by Jennnnn
  @Jen? Jenn?
  Yes, the thing about Canada was a joke, thanks for not getting it. It makes you look stupid and uptight, which I enjoy.

You very truly and really and totally think that what transpired in the video is plausible? Really? Between your comment here and the one in response to the next article, I am led to believe that you are the one with a small worldview, as a sheltered life is really the only way in which to achieve such genuine naivete.

As for why I care? I have no good reason, just a general dissatisfaction with the world. Specifically those people of the world that blindly believe whatever they're first told about a subject, with no desire to know more.
  Monday, August 24, 2009 by scott
  It's been a while.
  It's been months since I've visited and decided I'd come to see if you are still trying to ride the coat tails of DT. It appears you still kind of are... but not in this post, and... this is actually pretty funny Scott. Well done. +1
  Tuesday, August 25, 2009 by Mike the Timewaster
  Timewasting ahoy!
  Why thank you Mike! Your plus one has sent my heart soaring.

Though I must again point out that 4 out of 150 articles here are about DT, and aside from my first post re: him, I've only posted in response to his antics, or new information that's come up. His coattails ain't as long as he'd have you believe, either.
  Tuesday, August 25, 2009 by scott
  Amusing, but...
  Why does it matter? Sure it's a little silly if things are made out to be fact when they're not, but when you post about it it just makes you look like a Kill-Joy. In addition, even if the said "video of text" was a lie, I don't think it's fabricated to make himself feel better. From what I see it's just to make people laugh, but then I suppose I could be wrong.

You're a very good writer and I enjoy your blog, but sometimes I think it'd be more productive to read about something more than some person who's maybe making up stories for the internet.
  Monday, September 07, 2009 by Charlie
  Capital, Sir! Capital!
  Monday, September 07, 2009 by Fake David Thorne
  how lame can you get?
  Another lame post. And another post by yourself above pretending to be David Thorne. Has your wife left you yet? If not, why not?
  Friday, September 11, 2009 by Mindscape
  Don't lie.
  "One of my very best friends is named David, and he does not constantly lie to people to stoke his own ego."

Don't lie. You have no friends.
  Friday, September 11, 2009 by Mindfields
  @ Charlie: Do not encourage him with lies.
@ Scott: Charlie lies, you are not a very good writer at all.
  Friday, September 11, 2009 by Mindsplat
  Warning Required
  I, Like Mike the Timewaster, was diverted to your site from David Thorne's hilarious site and was surprised to find you are real and am now disappointed to find out how incredibly inaccurate David's article on you was. He in NO WAY warned me that visiting your site may cause my eyes to bleed with fury at the lack of wit and humour on your self-proclaimed "funny" website. I've smirked once, and now this has just lost you a point. Awful. I can only presume your lack of knowledge of how a relationship can work is due to the fact that your "wife" is inflatable and came out of a box with a very "surprised" look on her face.
  Friday, October 30, 2009 by Cosmo
  I've been cheated on...
  I don't necessarily believe every story I read. I don't like reading either. But I have read the video (and kick myself for admitting that). Attached you'll find a story (which is true but you don't have to believe it).

My wife cheated on me with a college kid (she was 23, he was 19) because she thought I was cheating.

What I was really doing was going to work. She knew I was at work because she saw my paychecks and my hours. She could even contact me at work via IM and celly. There was no possible way to fit anything in between home and work.

She flirted with guys online, too. When I confronted her with real evidence and real pictures that she downloaded of guys that she talked to (even some nudes), she accused me of not trusting her.

She also got all "cutting emo" on me various times and I approximate that these occurred during flings that she had with this dude who treated her like crap and cheated on her with several girls during their relationship.

I have always been faithful to her and she was my first (and only). I used to have an internet porn addiction (which hadn't affected our marriage but she almost killed herself over) but she repaid me by doing things with a relative stranger that she refuses to do with me (fantasies of mine). I treated her like a golden queen. To add insult to injury she lied about it for about six months and started fights with me every two weeks and told me to leave her.

So anyway, the story in the vid might not be true, but I'm willing to bet that even if this story is bogus, it likely has happened to someone.
  Sunday, February 14, 2010 by Cheated
  This is even worse
  I thought your article on the Fairytales of David Thorne was the worst piece of excrement I'd ever read... until I came upon this.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Mark
  You need to suck a dick Scott
  Your writing is dull, superfluous and riddled with mistakes.

If I were near you, i'd slap you and make fun of your weight.

You stupid fat cunt.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Not Scott
  not sure if serious...
  the latest article of 27b/6 lead me here, reading a bit I wasn't sure if it was written by this 'scott' figure or that David made it to show what kind of moron this scott would be.
by now if figured that most likely this is the work of scott. wich forces me to conclude David is right, u fu*king suck!
you're writing is poor and there is no real pun in it. just some blabbering.
you. are. REALLY. sad. & pathetic.

if david has his time machine I will beg to come with him on that I may stab you in the face as well.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Felxi
  Do you seriously think that you are funny? "I heard that toronto is in canada" badoom tschh?
Admittedly, it is true that people from different countries have different senses of humor, (i myself know Americans, Canadians, English, Italian and French people, and they all laugh at dfferent things), but i don't think there's a single country on this world that could possibly be so different such that its population finds your "jokes" funny. (i would say Mongolia for the humour, but obviously that is insulting to both mongolians and people with Down's Syndrome)
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by A
  I have traveled across seas of internet filth and this is surely not part of them. We should all praise Scott Mintred, for he has given us something truly magical. Even my fish friends enjoy the variety of intelligence this man possess.

Defeat all knaves, and praise the King- Scott Mintred,
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by Liam
  missing Scott
  Just wanted to say we all liked you Scott alot more at high school when we could 'censor' your mind-fuck ,annoying dribble by making you wear your 'Atomic wedgie' daily, rendering your flailing arms useless and unable to access a keyboard.
You've had quite a few 'new ones' torn, which I'm sure your multiple boyfriends appreciate...
Ah, miss u Scott, good times.....

And by the way-
This site best when viewed on a screen using 'anyone elses' eyes ,just not your own.
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by Big Mike
  yeah i call bullshit
  i agree with you, this guy is a non communicative moron, hey at least he didnt get "roaming charges"- dum and fake and i agree man.
  Friday, January 22, 2016 by MasterMike666

My True Story (45)
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The Titty Mongrel (-19)
"All in a Day's Rebuttal" (-21)
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Tap Dancing (-21)
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