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The Woodbury Diet: How to Lose 15 Pounds in 5 Days
Thursday, September 25, 2008 by scott

Disclaimer: Obviously everyone's body is different. What works for me may not work for you. Clearly I am a 6'4" man weighing 255 pounds, so losing 15 pounds is really only about 6% of my body mass. So if you are a 5'8" woman weighing 120 pounds, you should send me pictures of yourself in a bikini or less such that I can personally assess how well this diet will work for you. (Note to Wife: Just kidding).

I know that the title of this article is to lose 15 lbs. in 5 days, but there are about two days of preparation before the diet actually begins. We'll start this hypothetical situation by assuming that the diet preparation begins on a Wednesday.

Wednesday – Prep Day 1

Go to the gym. No, this is not part of the weight-loss process. You do not actually need to work out (you may if you wish), but rather you must go around touching the handles of all of the equipment. Rub your eyes periodically.

Thursday – Prep Day 2

Repeat "Prep Day 1". By the end of today, you should have a mild sore throat, but you'll think it's no big deal. You can continue to eat normally.

Friday – Day 1

Go about your business as usual. Eat lunch at a really sketchy buffet that is delicious, but is also known for giving you and your friends diarrhea. (Don't worry about this part! You will not contract diarrhea! It just helps to set the stage for the next steps).

By dinner time, your throat should be a little swollen on both sides. Despite some pain whilst swallowing, you can eat a few corn chips with cheese, and maybe some crackers. Any more than that, and the pain will become too severe. Stop eating when this happens.

Saturday – Day 2

Your throat hurts even when you're not eating. Drinking water hurts, and even swallowing saliva is highly unpleasant. You can eat some Mac and Cheese for lunch because you figure it will be soft and not damage your throat too much more. It will take all of your effort to choke down the Mac and Cheese, but you must work through the pain and finish half the bowl.

By dinner time, you should be able to barely get a Mint Chocolate Chip Milkshake through your swollen neck, and you can avoid passing out from the pain by punching your leg as you swallow. You should eat and drink nothing else for the rest of the day.

You're pretty sure you have Strep Throat, but you assume that by tomorrow you'll be feeling better.

Sunday – Day 3

You should wake up with the left side of your neck less swollen than your right. You think that the swelling went down on the left side, so you're very optimistic about getting better quickly. (Later you will find out that it's more probable that the right side of your neck actually became more swollen, making your left side seem less so).

Go to the supermarket and pick up some Yogurt smoothies (for example, Dannon Frusion Smoothies). Drink one, and realize that the pain is so terrible that you should perhaps go to the doctor. I forgot to mention that by now you should have also bought two kinds of Advil and two kinds of numbing throat sprays, but none of them are helping you to feel better in the slightest.

Of course, being Sunday, no doctors are open. You will think "ah well, I'll just wait until tomorrow". Don't eat anything for the rest of the day, but maybe you can get down a glass of luke-warm green tea and avoid passing out from the pain.

By 11 PM you should give up and go to the hospital. Try going to the hospital in Syosset so that you get the minimum amount of poor care possible. Tell them that you can't really breathe whilst laying down, that it hurts to talk, and that simply swallowing your own saliva feels like you're being stabbed on the inside of your neck with a shard of thick glass.

They will tell you that you probably have Strep Throat, they will do a throat culture, and send you home with a prescription for antibiotics and a promise to call you with the test results in 24-48 hours.

You will have to sleep on the couch in a semi-sitting up manner. It's the only way you can breathe. The pain will keep you up, so plan on getting maybe a total of 4 hours of sleep in a period of eight hours.

Monday – Day 4

Don't go to work. Strep Throat is highly infectious in the first couple days of antibiotic treatment. Also, you won't be able to concentrate on work through the pain of living.

You can maybe drink some more green tea and a yogurt smoothie. Taking the antibiotic pills will be murder, but you can probably live through the pain. The pain is so bad that you will go to your bedroom to curl up in a ball, but because you can't breathe and lay down you will have to sit up stock-straight and clutch your throat. You can't even moan because moaning hurts too much. (Don't worry, this is by far the worst stage of the diet. No matter how much you want to, avoid killing yourself at this step, because it only gets better from here).

That evening your wife will, by happenstance, talk to a friend whom is an ER physician. (Results may vary). The doc will invite you over to her house around 10 PM for an exam. She will inform you that the hospital's prescribed dose of antibiotics was a "sub-therapeutic dose" for a man of your size, and was more fit for a child. She will also be surprised that, despite your asking for them and your difficulty breathing, the hospital did not prescribe steroids for the swelling. She'll tell you to call an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist if you're not feeling better by the next day.

She will prescribe a better antibiotic, some steroids, and a strong pain killer. You can pick them up from CVS immediately, and go home.

Summon all of your courage to swallow these pills! The new antibiotics are horse-pill-sized, so take a pain killer or two first. You also have to take six of the steroid pills in one shot, but at least they are small.

Because you haven't eaten much at all in 3 or 4 days, the pain pills will kick in pretty fast. You'll feel much better about having Strep Throat, and you will have less of a desire to cut out the side of your own neck with a dull knife.

Later that night, the steroids will kick in, and you'll be able to have another milkshake (though it will also feel like shards of glass going past your tonsils), and sleep (for four hours, sitting up on the couch, of course).

Tuesday – Day 5

The pain is worse when you wake up at 5 AM! Take another pain pill, and sleep for another three hours (on and off).

A haze of pain-killer-induced movie and TV watching. No food. Very little water. It hurts, but who cares? Surely you're on the mend!

Wednesday – Day 6 (End of Diet)

The pain is worse when you wake up at 5 AM! Take another pain pill, and sleep for another three hours (on and off).

Eat and drink nothing, but take some happy happy pain pills. Of course, take your antibiotics and steroids as usual, so a bit of water will be necessary.

Call the Syosset Hospital for your test results. They said it would be 24-48 hours, but they haven't called you in nearly 60 hours. They will tell you that you do not have Strep Throat. "What the hell do I have?!" you will frantically ask yourself.

Painfully request an appointment with an ENT specialist that you find on Google. Pop another pain killer before leaving the house, both to make the drive more fun, and so that the doctor's exam won't hurt you as much. (Good news: You won't need those pain-pills anymore after this!)

He will discuss politics with you for 45 minutes without mentioning your throat at all. (Remember, it will hurt for you to talk, so this will be highly unpleasant. Take heart, though, the good part is coming!) Finally, he will stick a fiber-optic scope down your nose to see down your throat, and declare that you have Peri-Tonsilitis. He will give you two shots of steroids, one in each arm, and a prescription for different, more powerful steroids than you've been taking.

That night you can go to TGI Friday's or to some other grease-trap and eat small bites of (by what is now) savory, delicious, strength-imbuing Solid Food. It will be painful, but bearably so, and well worth it.

You will still have to sleep in a semi-sitting position on your couch, but it should be the last night of that.

Your diet is now over, and you should weigh 240 pounds. Congratulations!

By now your wife has also taken your blood back to her lab for analysis, and determined that you do not have Mono (which could have been a plausible explanation for the whole thing), but rather a raging bacterial infection.

Note: If at any time you want to end this diet, you can skip right down to the step of visiting an ENT (Day 6). Of course, you will not get the full weight-loss promised by this diet, but I understand that the feeling of swallowing shards of glass could put some people off before they complete all 5 days.

Also I understand that not breathing, talking, eating, or drinking for 5 days may not be everyone's cup of tea (you may drink a cup of tea, however). But I know of no faster diet than the one I've just outlined. (Except maybe good ol' Anorexia).

(38 to 61)
  Sign me up bro. Im on my way the a public place to touch things
  Friday, September 26, 2008 by Hedgeman
  i remember
  i remember when this happened to scott. wait, i remember READING about it.
  Wednesday, October 29, 2008 by he who sat by the kitchen
  not funny
  Saturday, January 31, 2009 by shelley the Unclever Bitch
  You being not funny
  Take a leaf out of Futurama, stop writing drivel on the internet, create a suicide both. Then do the world a favour and step into it and hit the start button.

You fucking donkey raping fag.

Pieace out!

P.S. You are gay for robots.

P.S.S. You have dogsit breath.
  Monday, March 16, 2009 by Mintred DickLock
  Noteworthy Things
  Yeah. Great Advice, do you maybe have gift pamphlets for distribution?
  Tuesday, January 05, 2016 by Barb Rice

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