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My True Story
Friday, February 14, 2014 by sCott
I put mayonnaise on everything. On a really hot day, even.

On a school field trip I brought my mayonnaise. All the children didn't know why. I don't know why.

They said, "don't eat that mayo" (sometimes mayonnaise is called "mayo", but that is lazy and not good enough). They said, "it will make you fatter".

I didn't care. I ate the mayo. I tried it on chocolate cake, but it was nott good, so I don't eat chocolate cake.

On the train, they say "clean up that mayo that you spilled", and I do because I am not a lazy member of society.

Though my parents were concerned, when I was little (I am old now), and they cut of my supply of mayonnaise. I cried and refused to eat. They were glad because I stopped being fat (my mom hugged my ada for the first time in their relationship that I can remember).

In collge, the cool kids smeared my own mayonnaise on my own glasses. I cried, but I had my mayonnaise and I got fat again.

I'm not telling you this story for pity. I don't want you to cry.

When mayonnaise is on sale, I stock up on it. I put it in my closet, in my laundry hamper, in my car so I have it. I don't go to work because I can work from home, but sometimes I take my car other places!

I use mayonnaise sexually. (I wasn't going to put this part, but I had to because).

If you put mayonnaise inside a sock it will make a mess, but you can have your way with it. I ONLY DO THIS IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE I AM NOT A MESSY PERSON.

On the go I can use a condom and an old flashlight, because I am very careful.

The one time I had a woman at the ready for sex, I took out my mayonnaise. She was fat too, so she thought it was a snack. She ate it before I could apply it to her sexual region.

Now I am 32 years old, and I have a very clean apartment. When you think that fat people are gross, remember me.
(7 to 13)
  Sunday, March 30, 2014 by gary
  You fat fuck
  This is no surprise, you stupid fuck.
  Friday, July 04, 2014 by Shenanagain

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